Mom, everyone else does!

Author Q&A

STUDIES INDICATE THAT WHEN A GIRL CHOOSES TO USE SUBSTANCES, PEER PRESSURE IS THE BIGGEST REASON WHY.  WHAT OPTIONS ARE LEFT FOR ME AS A MOTHER WHO WANTS TO PROTECT HER DAUGHTER FROM THE DANGERS OF DRINKING AND DRUG USE?

FIRST OF ALL, DON’T USE ALL OF YOUR ENERGY TO ENGAGE IN AN ALL-OUT WAR AGAINST YOUR DAUGHTER’S FRIENDS.  SHE MAY JOIN HER FRIENDS TO FIGHT YOU.  
OFFER YOUR DAUGHTER AND HER FRIENDS AN OPEN MIND, AN OPEN HEART, AND AN OPEN HOME.  THESE IDEAS ARE DEVELOPED IN CHAPTER 3 OF "MOM, EVERYONE ELSE DOES!"  JUST AS PEERS CAN NEGATIVELY INFLUENCE GIRLS, STUDIES INDICATE THAT A GIRL WHO MAKES GOOD DECISIONS ABOUT DRUGS AND ALCOHOL RELIES ON HER CLOSEST FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ENCOURAGE AND FACILITIATE YOUR DAUGHTER DEVELOPING GOOD FRIENDSHIPS.
FINALLY, IF YOUR DAUGHTER HAS FALLEN IN WITH "BAD COMPANY" (CHAPTER 9), DON’T LOOK THE OTHER WAY.  YOU CAN SET APPROPRIATE CONSEQUENCES AND TAKE "EXTREME MEASURES" IF NECESSARY TO USE YOUR INFLUENCE TO KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER FROM DESTRUCTIVE PEER INFLUENCES.

WHAT STEPS CAN I TAKE TO KEEP MY DAUGHTER FROM DEFYING ME AND HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS I’VE TOLD HER I BELIEVE ARE BAD INFLUENCES?

FIRST, DON’T LOOK THE OTHER WAY.  STRESS TO HER THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE VALUE OF FRIENDS AND THAT JUST AS YOU WOULD NOT LOOK THE OTHER WAY IF SHE BECAME ATTACHED TO DESTRUCTIVE SUBSTANCES SUCH AS DRUGS OR ALCOHOL, YOU WILL NOT IGNORE HER FRIENDS IF THEY INFLUENCE HER TO MAKE BAD DECISIONS.
SECOND, DON’T MAKE HER FRIENDS THE ENEMY.  INSTEAD, FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIORS YOUR DAUGHTER AND HER FRIENDS ENGAGE IN TOGETHER.
THIRD, DO SET APPROPRIATE CONSEQUENCES.  WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER GETS INTO TROUBLE WITH A PARTICUALR FRIENDS OR GROUP OF FRIENDS, IT IS APPROPRIATE TO SUSPEND OR REGULAR ACTIVITIES WITH THE FRIEND OR GROUP.  LET YOU DAUGHTER KNOW THAT SHE CAN REESTABLISH THE RELATIONSHIP AS SHE WORKS TO BUILD TRUST WITH YOU BY MAKING GOOD CHOICES.  
fINALLY, DO PREPARE TO TAKE EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES.  PEERS CAN HAVE AN EXTRAORDINARILY POWERFUL GRIP ON AN ADOLESCENT, AND PARENTS MUST SOMETIMES TAKE EXTREME MEASURE TO LOOSEN THE GRIP.  YOU’LL FIND STORIES AND IDEAS IN CHAPTER 9 OF "MOM, EVERYONE ELSE DOES!"

MY DAUGHTER DOESN’T THINK I UNDERSTAND HER WORLD.  HOW DO I KNOW I’M GETTING THROUGH TO HER WHEN SHE SEEMS TO DISMISS EVERYTHING I SAY?

START BY ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HER WORLD.  BE CURIOUS — NOT JUST IN TIMES OF CONFLICT OR CRISIS, BUT AT OTHER TIMES — ABOUT HER FRIENDS, THE PRESSURE SHE FEELS, THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY ABOUT HER WORLD.  EDUCATE YOURSELF SO THAT YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT THE REALITIES OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL IN THE ADOLESCENT WORLD THAN SHE DOES.  YOU CAN USE THIS INFORMATION IN MOMENTS OF TRUTH WHILE TALKING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.  MOMENTS OF MEANING CAN COME WHEN YOU ACT ON THE TRUTH YOU KNOW.  CHAPTER 4 OF "MOM, EVERYONE ELSE DOES!" GIVES LOTS OF INFORMATION AND IDEAS FOR USING MOMENTS OF TRUTH AND MOMENTS OF MEANING TO HELP YOUR DAUGHTER GAIN THE RESOLVE TO SAY NO TO PEER PRESSURE AND TO DEVELOP HER OWN IDENTITY AS SHE MAKES CHOICES.  THESE ARE MOMENTS THAT MATTER.  THESE MOMENTS CONFIRM TO YOUR DAUGHTER THAT YOU ARE COURAGEOUS ENOUGH AND COMMITTED ENOUGH TO HANG IN THERE WITH HER NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS OR DOES.

HOW SHOULD I RESPOND WHEN MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER ASKS, "MOM, HAVE YOU EVER TRIED DRUGS?"

YOU NEED TO OFFER YOUR STORY CAREFULLY.  IF YOU SENSE THAT YOU DAUGHTER IS WANTING TO GATHER FURTHER "EVIDENCE" TO SUPPORT HER CASE TO USE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL, YOU MIGHT SAY, "I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY OWN EXPERIENCE, AND I WILL WHEN I SENSE THAT YOU ARE READY."
OFFER YOUR STORY TO FORM AN ALLIANCE — TO GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER A SENSE THAT SHE IS NOT ALONE, AND THAT YOU UNDERSTAND HER STRUGGLE.  OPFFER YOUR STORY TO GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER HOPE — THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES.  
YOU WILL BE READY TO OFFER YOUR STORY, WHEN YOU ARE CERTAIN THAT YOU ARE A WOMAN OF EXPERIENCE, WISDOM, COMPASSION, AND STRENGTH.  WHEN YOU TELL YOUR STORY WITHIN THAT FRAMEWORK IT WILL BE POWERFUL IN FORMING AN ALLIANCE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.

WHAT DEFINES "HAND-IN-HAND MOTHERING"?  WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BECOME MY DAUGHTER’S ALLY?

AN ALLY IS ONE WHO UNDERSTAND THE BATTLE, WHO KNOWS THE ENEMY, AND WHO IS WILLING TO TRY ANYTHING TO STRENGTHEN THE ALLIANCE.  THE HAND IN HAND MOM USES KNOWLEDGE FOR THE PURPOSE OF UNDERSTANDING HER DAUGHTER.  SHE CREATE LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES THAT GIVE HER DAUGHTER HOPE THAT SHE CAN SURVIVE HER PRESENT TROUBLES AND HAVE A CHANCE TO BEGIN AGAIN IN THE FUTURE.  SHE HELPES  HER DAUGHTER FIND THE RIGHT HELP AND IS INVOLVED IN THE PROCESS.  SHE USES HER PAST MAISTAKES AND GROWTH TO HELP HER DAUGHTER FEEL LESS ALONE AND TO GIVE HER A MOMDEL FOR LEARNING FROM HER OWN MISTAKES.  SHE PERPETUALLY OFFERS HER UNCONDITIONAL PRESENSE TO HER DAUGHTER WHILE ALLOWING HER DAUGHTER TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER OWN ACTIONS. SHE PRAYERFULLY DISTINGUISHES BETWEEN HER RESPONSIBILITY, HER DAUGHTER’S RESPONSIBILITY, AND GOD’S RESPONSIBILITY.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE TO BANISH DRUGS AND ALCOHOL FROM THE ADOLESCENT WORLD, TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER FOR YOUR DAUGHTER, OR TO ERASE HER TEMPTATIONS AND STRUGGLES.  YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE TO BE WITH HER, AND IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE PRESENT WITH GRACE, COURAGE, CREATIVITY, HOPE AND VISION, EVEN IN THE SCARY CONTEXT OF SUBSTANCE USE.
"MOM, EVERYONE ELSE DOES" OFFER SUPPORT, IDEAS, AND ENCOURAGEMENT.