READERS GUIDE

Questions and Topics for Discussion

1. What brought you to this book?

2. What is a Big Feeling? Which Big Feelings do you experience most often?

3. What were you taught as a child about Big Feelings? How did that impact how you view them or experience them today?

4. Overall, which stories from the authors or readers resonated with you most? Which illustrations resonated with you most? Why?

5. Liz describes a moment of radical uncertainty when she was in an ambulance, wondering if she was going to die. What is radical uncertainty and have you experienced a similar moment?

6. What is fear? What is anxiety? Why is knowing the difference important? Can you name one or two of your anxieties versus one or two of your fears?

7. Using the mantra on page 14, “I am a person who is learning _____” try reframing two or three of your anxieties. How do you feel after each reframing?

8. We’ve been taught that “comparison is the thief of joy” and that all comparison is bad. The authors argue, however, that certain types of comparison—in certain contexts—can be healthy and even beneficial. Has comparison ever helped you move toward a goal or achievement?

9. What’s the difference between benign envy and malicious envy? Give examples of when you experienced each type of envy. How did each manifest internally and externally?

10. Why is it important to “compare the nitty-gritty” when comparing your life to someone else’s? Consider someone who you’ve felt envious of for a specific achievement or accomplishment. Using the sample questions on page 54, compare the nitty-gritty of that achievement and accomplishment. How does that change your envy or how you think about that achievement or accomplishment?

11. How comfortable are you with anger: your own and other people’s? Where did your attitudes or feelings about anger and expressions of anger come from?

12. Jot down a list of your anger triggers. If comfortable, share with the group. What is an amygdala hijack and how can identifying and acknowledging these triggers prevent one?

13. What is your anger expression style? How can you better communicate your feelings when angry?

14. What are the three distinct burnout profiles and which have you experienced?

15. Why is it important to recognize when burnout is pending? What are the specific warning signs you experience when you have pending burnout?

16. Using the Nagoski sisters’ list on page 99, which burnout coping tools appeal to you? Are there two or three of your own healthy coping tools you can add to this list? Share ideas with the group.

17. What is garbage time and why should you embrace it? How can you build more short bursts of garbage time into your days?

18. It is a myth that perfectionists always appear perfect. Because this is not the case, it can be difficult to identify perfectionism in ourselves and others. On page 125, the authors list several clues that you’ve tied your worth too closely to meeting an unrealistic goal. Which of these clues resonate? Does this align with your self-evaluation as a perfectionist (or not)?

19. If you identify as a perfectionist, explore where you learned you were not good enough. If comfortable, share with the group.

20. To begin charting a better course for yourself, write out your perfectionist thoughts and then review the prompts on page 135. Reflect on what each teaches you and how you can untangle yourself from a perfectionist self-narrative.

21. If comfortable sharing, explore a time when you felt despair. What is despair and how does it differ from depression and anxiety?

22. What steps can you take to work through despair? Which feel possible and which feel impossible? Why?

23. Liz shares that one of her biggest regrets is not traveling to Germany with her mom to sort through her grandmother’s house and decide whether to sell or keep it. Looking back, what do you regret most? Why? Discuss with the group.

24. Refer to the Types of Regret on pages 189–90. Which type of regret plagues you the most? Using the authors’ tips about each type of regret, what can you do about it?

25. How can Big Feelings ultimately benefit us? What is post-traumatic growth (PTG?) Have you experienced it? If comfortable, share your PTG experience with the group.