Lizard Tales

Table Of Contents

Introduction
1. This Is a Dog- Eat- Dog World . . . So Don’t Come Around
Wearin’ No Milk- Bone Underwear
2. Letting the Cat Out of the Bag . . . Is a Whole Lot Easier
Than Putting Him Back In
3. Tell Me What You Need . . . And I’ll Tell You How to Get
Along Without It
4. Trains and Trouble
5. Chasing Your Tail Gets You Nowhere Except Back to
Where You Started
6. Go for the Ugly Early . . . And You’ll Never Go Home
Alone
7. Don’t Ever Corner Nuthin’ Meaner Than You
8. Whoever Said You Can’t Buy Happiness Must Have Been
Dead Broke
9. Don’t Ever Mess with Nuthin’ . . . That Ain’t Messin’ with
You
10. You Always Catch More Flies with Honey Than
Vinegar . . . If You Want to Catch Flies
11. Save Your Breath . . . You Might Need It to Blow Up Your
Next Date
12. Being Big Don’t Make You Bad . . . No More Than Being
Born in an Oven Makes You a Biscuit
13. Don’t Ride a Horse Till You’ve Checked Under His
Saddle
14. Tighter Than a Frog’s Butt . . . And That’s Watertight 000
15. Either Fish or Cut Bait
16. If It’s Got Tires or Testicles . . . It’s Gonna Give You
Trouble
17. It’s Better to Let People Think You’re an Idiot . . . Than to
Open Your Mouth and Remove All Doubt
18. Life’s Always Simpler When You Plow Around the
Stumps
19. You’d Rather French Kiss a Rattlesnake . . .
20. There’s Two Theories About Arguing with a
Woman . . . And Neither One of Them Works
21. If Everything’s Coming Your Way . . . You’re in the Wrong
Lane
22. Rapture Isn’t What You Get When You Lift Something
That’s Too Heavy
23. I Married Miss Right . . . I Just Didn’t Know Her First
Name Was “Always”
24. There Ain’t No Sense in Beating a Dead
Horse . . . ’Course, It Can’t Hurt None Neither
25. If I Tell You a Rooster Can Pull a Freight Train . . . You’d
Better Hook ’Im Up
26. Some Days You’re the Pigeon . . . And Some Days You’re
the Statue
27. A Fisherman Is a Jerk on One End of the Line Waiting for
a Jerk on the Other
28. Sometimes You Can’t Tell Nobody Nuthin’ . . . That Ain’t
Never Been Nowhere
29. I Used to Have a Handle on Life . . . But Now It’s
Broken
Final Thoughts from an Uncommon Mind
Acknowledgments