READERS GUIDE
The questions and information presented in this guide are intended to enhance your discussion of Jane Isay’s Secrets and Lies.Introduction
Secrets and Lies is a compelling journey into the realm of family secrets, offering lessons and insights for those who are hiding the truth and those who discover what has long been hidden. Jane Isay explores the impact of keeping secrets and the power of truth.Secrets, large and small, are a fact of human life. Secrets can damage our sense of self and our relationships. Even so, Isay has found, people can survive learning the most disturbing facts that have been hidden from them, and secret keepers are often relieved when they finally reveal themselves—even things they are ashamed of—to the people they care about. Much depends, Isay writes, on the way of telling and the way of hearing.
Isay was both a secret finder and a secret keeper. After fifteen years of marriage, her husband admitted he was gay, and together they decided to keep it a secret for the sake of their two sons. Building on her personal experience, sixty intimate interviews, and extensive research into the psychology of secrets, Isay shows how the pain of secrets can be lightened by full disclosure, genuine apology, and time. Sometimes the truth sunders relationships, but often it saves them.
Powered by detailed stories and Isay’s compassionate analysis, Secrets and Lies reveals how universal secrets are in families. The big ones—affairs, homosexuality, parentage, suicide, abuse, hidden siblings—can be ruinous at first, but the effects need not last forever, and Isay shows us what makes the difference. With specific guidelines for those who keep secrets and those who find them out, Isay’s book reveals the art of surviving a secret.
Questions and Topics for Discussion
1. Jane Isay begins Secrets and Lies with her own story. Do you sympathize with her and/or her husband? Do you think it was a good idea to stay married all those years? What would you have done?
2. If someone you loved revealed to you a devastating secret that would change your life, how would you respond? What would make you angrier, the secret or the lying? Do you think you could ever forgive such behavior?
3. Chapter 1 begins with the sentence, “Each of us has our own tailor-made book of Genesis.” Do you have a family story that has changed over time? What impact does it have on how you experience your life?
4. Chapter 1 contains the stories of three people who discovered that they were adopted. The first woman is sad and bitter. The next woman is relieved that her origins are revealed. The third woman’s life is enriched when the secret is unfolded. Why do you think there are such different outcomes to the same revelation?
5. In Chapter 2, Jane Isay describes two funerals at which surprise siblings turn up. The outcomes are diametrically opposed, which Isay believes has to do with the underlying explanation of why the secrets were kept and the truth hidden. What do you think?
6. Chapter 3 deals with adultery and presents stories from both sides of the marriage bed. Isay tries to give the reader a sense of what is going on in the minds and hearts of both parties. Are you convinced by her interpretations?
7. In Chapter 4 Isay uses the notion of cognitive dissonance to explain why people continue to believe what they want to believe, to see what they choose to see. Have you ever seen or experienced anything that you later found out happened differently?
8. Many readers identify with the Little Detective, the child who simply doesn’t believe the family story and goes behind the scenes to find the truth. Have you ever suspected that something was being concealed about a family story and investigated to find the truth on your own?
9. People often have a hard time discussing their personal tragedies, but Isay argues that silence in the face of tragedy is harmful to the family because it impedes closeness and intimacy. Do you have experiences that either confirm or disprove her belief?
10. Chapter 7 explores the intimacy that may occur between spouses when the truth comes out. Isay believes that the shock of revelation can sometimes be overcome, to the benefit of everyone. Do you agree, and if so, do you have stories to tell?
11. Have you ever shared a difficult truth with someone you love? What happened next?
12. As you read the book, did you find yourself agreeing with Isay’s point of view? Was she too forgiving, too harsh, or too noncommittal?
